Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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