He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize