don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
