Rock
Scissors
Fuck
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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