when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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