I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
