Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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