Your mouth is God's brothel.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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