We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize