I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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