Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
