my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
