I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
