Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Randomize
