3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize