Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
