I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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