homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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