Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
