i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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