Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
