My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
