I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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