First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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