My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Randomize
