We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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