theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
