I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
