it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
