Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
