my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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