Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
