got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
