o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
