I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize