my phone needs a breathalizer
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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