My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
