can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
