Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
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