plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
