my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
