youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
