he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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