you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize