that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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