Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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