I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
