I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
