SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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