He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
