i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
