Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
