nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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