we're chasing vodka with high fives
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
