i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize