i wish my penis had a tongue
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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