Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Randomize
