Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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