from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
