hell yes lets make some ravioli
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
