Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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