took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Randomize