I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Randomize
