It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
