I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
