Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
